I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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