Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
