I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
