I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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