He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
