omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
