this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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