Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
