Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
