He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
