My room smells like vodka and shame
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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