I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
