you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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