shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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