You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize