I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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