It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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