i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize