I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
