Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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