We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
