he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
