It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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