After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
