I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
