You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
