Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
