The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
