Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
