hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize