capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Blood and glitter go together right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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