I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
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Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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