she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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