yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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