I am puke
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
