I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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