I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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