it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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