I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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