Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
