Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
