he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize