Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
