you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
