I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
