Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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