We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
