I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
