I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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