She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
