Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
