the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
