1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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