my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
