Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
