apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
