The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
MIDGETS
????
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
