nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
