Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
