i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
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I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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