I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
