GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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