I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
