There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
